filth

tonight i will rid myself of my filth
i will scrub until my soft flesh
peels back and the bone white glow
of the frame holding up this girl
illuminates the narrow depths of
your mind
i will leave my body tidy
and clean so that you may see your face 
in its polished surface

i want it to horrify you
mangled and tattered
i want you to never be able to sleep again
when i am finally washed
i will sit by your side
and exchange empty pleasantries
i will birth cake and rip meat from
out of me
and we will have a happy dinner
a family dinner
you will say what a lovely dinner it was
i will smile and wash the dishes
we will be a family again

we will sit at the tv and let our minds
become numb to the noise
as we watch women become creatures
their bones breaking into new shapes
their screams inhuman, animalistic
and men rip delicate things into
unrecognizable roadkill
was that a rabbit? perhaps a moose?
couldn’t have been, there’s no antlers
who cares
was a dead thing even alive if it was never loved?

love
you love me
i believe it and so i use it
to console myself on these cleaning days
when i hollow my body for
you to decorate
making space for a nacimiento
for the birth of god
so that i may be holy
and wholly loved 



we will sit and talk
and sit and talk
and
sit
and
talk
and who are you exactly?
and why have you made yourself so comfortable in the home of my body?
why does your hand rest so frantically on my breast?
what is this hunger in your eyes?
like you’re searching for something evil
something worthy of conviction

and has your mother taught you nothing of how to treat a woman?
a filthy woman
i am done being clean
tonight i will be filthy
tonight i will be filthy and worthy
i will roll around in pheromones
i will scream as my bones break
into new shapes
i will become a creature like the women
on tv
and i’ll let my claws be elegant and long
my mane will be beaming and healthy
i will be disgustingly beautiful
and

tonight i am filthy
tonight i am filthy



                                                 v. estrella 2/11/25